Be Real and Honest 

First things first, honesty is key. If you know it’s time to end things, have a direct and respectful conversation. Avoid ghosting; it’s way more considerate to let the other person know where you stand. A simple, honest chat can go a long way in making the transition smoother for both of you. Respect their feelings while being clear about yours. 

Social Media Cleanse 

After ending a summer romance or friendship, your social media game needs to be strong. Here’s how to handle it: 

• Unfollow/Unfriend: If seeing their posts is too much, it’s okay to unfollow or unfriend them. It’s about your mental peace. 

• Mute: Not ready to cut ties completely? Use the mute button. You won’t see their posts, and they won’t know you’ve muted them. 

• Change Privacy Settings: Adjust your settings to limit what they can see on your profile. It helps to keep some boundaries. 

• Avoid Real-Time Location Sharing: If the relationship was unhealthy, it’s best to avoid sharing your location in real time. You don’t want to risk surprise visits or unwanted interactions. 

If your relationship is unhealthy or abusive, check out the My Plan App for help leaving that relationship safely or staying safe post-breakup. 

Handling Common Friends 

If you share mutual friends, things can get tricky. Here’s what to do: 

• Be Clear: Let your friends know about the split. They don’t need all the details, just the basics. 

• Respect Boundaries: Avoid making friends choose sides. Be civil in group settings and respect each other’s space. 

• Plan Solo Hangouts: Spend time with friends one-on-one if group hangouts feel awkward. 

Focus on Self-Care 

Ending a summer romance or friendship can be emotionally draining. Make sure to take care of yourself: 

• Stay Busy: Dive into hobbies, hit the gym, or binge-watch your favorite shows. Keeping busy helps distract you from overthinking. 

• Talk it Out: Don’t bottle up your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or even a therapist if needed. 

• Pamper Yourself: Treat yourself to something nice. A little self-love goes a long way. 

Learn and Grow 

Every relationship teaches us something. Reflect on what you’ve learned from this summer fling or friendship. Use it as a stepping stone for personal growth. 

Ending a summer romance or friendship isn’t easy, but it’s a part of life. Handle it with honesty, care, and a touch of social media savvy. Remember, it’s all about moving forward and making room for new connections. 

 – Carla M Kozen, Content Manager

The post How to End a Summer Romance or Friendship appeared first on One Love Foundation.

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Keep Doing You: Why Independence Matters

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean losing yourself. In fact, a healthy relationship thrives when both people have the freedom to be themselves. Here’s the lowdown:

1. Chase Your Dreams: Just like we celebrate our country’s freedom to pursue happiness, a solid relationship lets you chase your dreams too. Whether it’s a new hobby, a career goal, or hanging with your squad, having the freedom to do your thing makes your relationship stronger.

2. Supportive Vibes: Independence doesn’t mean you’re on your own. A supportive partner gets that you need your space and time to grow. They cheer you on from the sidelines and know they don’t have to be part of every single thing you do.

3. Set Boundaries: Boundaries are your BFF. They help keep the balance between being together and having your own space. Respecting each other’s need for personal space and privacy is key to feeling secure and respected in your relationship.

It’s all about balancing quality time with your partner and nurturing your own individuality. This combo makes for a rock-solid and fulfilling relationship

-Carla Mitchell Kozen is One Love’s Content Manager

The post Celebrate Your Freedom: Independence in Relationships appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Getting to know someone new means being introduced to their needs and wants, and helping them learn ours. If you hold identities different than your partner or friend—whether that’s being a different race, gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status or ability—it’s important to recognize and acknowledge how these differences impact the way you’re each perceived and received by the world around you. Entering into a relationship with a new friend or partner is an agreement to celebrate who they are, while acknowledging their unique challenges and strengths, and a commitment to hold them as an equal in the context of your relationship.

How Can You Practice Equality in Your Relationships?     

• Lift up the things your partner or friend does to show you they care. A thank you can go a long way. Often, these are the behaviors that make them feel seen and supported too! Maybe your partner is always the one planning your date nights—next time, offer to take the reins. Even if it’s outside your comfort zone or usual repertoire, putting in the effort helps them see that you value them and their contributions to your relationship.

• Reflect on your assumptions and acknowledge your privilege. If you hold privileged identities, be accountable to recognizing the ways in which the world is built for you and leaves others out. If your friend is Deaf and you aren’t, are you making an effort to learn sign language, or expecting them to conform to your way of communicating? Be aware of the differences in access or circumstance in your relationship and own your part in bridging the gap (in your relationship and the world!).

• Meet them halfway. Even in the healthiest relationships, people’s desires can clash. In these cases, try to negotiate a compromise that incorporates both people’s needs and does not cross any boundaries. If your partner is a texter and you’re not, discuss ways you can both feel supported and like you’re getting the communication you want. On your part, it may take increased effort to read and respond in a timely manner. On your partner’s, it may mean exercising patience and saving some jokes or stories for when you two see each other in person.

• Maintain balance. There are going to be times when one person in the relationship needs more support than the other—whether it’s a bad day, a longer-term hardship, or the ongoing impact of existing within a marginalized community. It’s okay to put your stuff on the back burner to be there for someone else—but be aware of how often you’re sacrificing and remember that you can be championing your own needs, too.

A healthy relationship is like a well-balanced scale; though it may tip one way or the other, you and your partner or friend should be able to rely on one another to right it. Remember that the other person sees the world through their own lens and may not be as aware of your wants and needs as you are. If something feels off, or you’re noticing continual imbalance in an area of your relationship, try asking for what you need or starting a dialogue with your partner or friend.

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Written by Sheridan Riolo, One Love Senior Engagement Manager

The post Practicing Equality in Your Relationships appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Because these observances coincide in June, it’s important that we both acknowledge the intersections of the Black and LGBTQ+ communities and their unique contributions to our country and the world.

If you clicked on this post wondering “how can I be an ally?” the first step is changing your framing to “how do I practice allyship?” Allyship is not a static label, it’s a continuous practice based on sustained effort and learning. An ally is someone who aligns with and supports a given community or identity group. Since this post is focused specifically on alignment with LGBTQ+ and Black communities, I am writing to non-Black and non-queer folks who want to show up this month and beyond.

If you are not Black or queer and wondering what you can do this month to practice allyship, you can use the 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship as your guide.

Take responsibility for your own learning. There’s no better time to begin or deepen your learning about Pride, Juneteenth, or Black and LGBTQ+ history in general, but remember that it’s not on your Black and/or queer friends to educate you. Our public school system has worked overtime to keep true historical accounts and important Black and LGBTQ+ contributions out of textbooks, curricula, and the greater educational discourse, so don’t assume your Black and/or queer friends are walking encyclopedias on their history if you’re not. Maybe they do know, and maybe they’re willing to share that knowledge with you—that’s great! But it’s not fair to assume or request it. So turn to your favorite medium: podcasts, online research, books, etc. to get learning (and remember to check those sources).

While not everyone can be a history buff, honor that your friends are the experts of their own experiences of their identities, and commit to listening when they choose to share parts of those experiences with you. It is not Black and/or queer people’s responsibility to educate us, but it’s our responsibility to create safer spaces for them to show up and share as their authentic selves.

Engage in healthy conflict with those sharing intolerant messages or misinformation. As someone practicing allyship, this is an opportunity to use the privilege and platform you have to stand with Black and queer communities. You don’t need to be an expert to call somebody out for their harmful language or views, nor do you need to get into a public comment-off with someone in your feed (this may give them a platform to spew more hate in their responses to you). Leave a simple, yet firm comment that you do not agree with what they’ve shared and correct any misinformation (if you’re not sure how, find and link a relevant article), then take it to DMs or private messaging if you wish to engage further.

Respect that everybody observes Juneteenth and Pride differently. Black and queer people are not a monolith; there is no singular narrative or experience of what it means to be Black and/or queer and therefore no “correct” way to observe these holidays. If you’re wondering how your loved ones want you to show up for them this month, ask and respect their decision, whether it includes you or not. Practicing allyship means de-centering yourself. This is not “show your allyship” month, this is a month centered on Black and queer experiences and community. Understand that there are spaces where your presence is not welcome nor necessary.

Show kindness and compassion for the Black and queer folks in your life. Yes, this is a month to take pride and celebrate. It may also bring up complex emotions including grief, anger, and sadness as they reflect the conflicting realities of a country that observes holidays like Juneteenth and Pride but does not protect the rights and lives of the communities it claims to celebrate.

Do what you can to promote equality. A national holiday or awareness month does not mean the work is done. There are still so many inequalities that Black and queer communities must face every day. This month, make an ongoing commitment to move the needle however you can. Donate, fundraise, or volunteer your time with organizations that support Black and LGBTQ+ communities. Buy from Black and queer-owned business throughout the year. Consume media created by Black and queer artists. Commit to ongoing learning and encourage other non-Black and non-queer people in your life to join you.

Though this post is anchored in June, allyship is a lifelong practice. Find sustainable ways to show up, support, and celebrate the Black and queer people in your life throughout all the days and months of the year.

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Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out. Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post How to Practice Allyship Using the 10 Signs appeared first on One Love Foundation.

You grieved. You celebrated.

You spent time healing and growing in new directions.

You started a new, healthier relationship.

Suddenly, familiar feelings reminiscent of your past relationship begin bubbling to the surface, permeating your experience like an unwelcome guest.

Trauma is complex. It can lay dormant in our bodies for an unspecified amount of time, deceiving us about our beliefs surrounding our healing processes. One day – without warning, a sound, smell, or phrase unearths something uncomfortable that leaves us feeling vulnerable, confused, and afraid. This type of occurrence that leaves our bodies or brains feeling threatened or emotionally distressed can be referred to as a trigger.

When entering a new relationship (of any kind) after an unhealthy or abusive one, survivors are often triggered by the trauma of our past experiences.  Because trauma lives in our bodies, our brain can signal these past triggers to us as threats to keep us safe. Even when we are in a healthy relationship. Even when there is no real threat to us. 

Sometimes we cannot even recognize that we are responding to triggers in a way that is sabotaging a new relationship because our behaviors have been so engrained in us, making it hard to stop. Remember: self-sabotage is usually a defense mechanism.

Although it can seem daunting to exit the loop of self-sabotage, when we identify what is causing our behaviors, we can begin to address them productively through conversations with our partners, support systems, and mental health professionals in ways that honor our experiences and healing.

Below are some signs of self-sabotage in relationships, along with actionable strategies to address these behaviors.

1. Being Overly Critical

After an unhealthy or abusive relationship, the likelihood of being on guard is greater than if we had not experienced one. This is a completely normal response. It is our body and brain’s unique way of attempting to keep us safe.  For example, if we have dealt with reoccurring experiences of betrayal in a past relationship, we might feel as though we need constant validation in a new relationship. We might develop expectations for our partner to behave in extremely specific ways to avoid our triggers from occurring altogether.  This is unfair – our triggers and our actions are not someone else’s responsibility to manage.  If we are nitpicking, critiquing, or blaming our partner for our triggers, they might start to lose motivation in the relationship if they feel as though they are unable to make us happy.

2. Questioning

A critical part of combatting doubt is maintaining awareness that no relationship is perfect. Questioning in a relationship, especially in the beginning stages, and especially after an unhealthy relationship is normal and healthy. However, when we allow our fear about relationships drive these questions, it can result in something called “Relationship Imposter Phenomenon”. This fundamental lack of trust happening in the start of a relationship prevents us from building a strong foundation that may result in a combination of one or more unhealthy signs, such as guilting, isolation, and/or possessiveness. We can build trust by setting reasonable boundaries with our partners in ways that value independence, respect, and honesty. If you are interested in learning about more ways to confront Relationship Imposter Phenomenon in relationships, here are some more actionable strategies.

3. Stonewalling

A huge sign of self-sabotage can be avoiding conflict or communication altogether. This avoidance might stem from a fear of the consequences that conflict bred in the past. Without communication and healthy conflict, it becomes exceedingly difficult for a relationship to succeed. The reasons we withdrawal do not typically derive from the need to end a relationship, but rather, because we feel like we do not deserve our partner or a happy relationship. It can be a subconscious way for us to push our partner away, so we are not devastated if the relationship ends. Sometimes healthy conflict looks like taking a moment to process what happened. A partner who values your needs will understand this. Communicate what healthy conflict looks like for you even if it means taking some time instead of withdrawing entirely.

4. Holding Grudges

Forgiveness is an essential part of every relationship. Holding grudges can be yet another unconscious protection strategy. After an unhealthy relationship, the last thing we want to feel is let down or betrayed by our own instincts. A way to control this outcome is grudge holding. When we forgive, we are required to be vulnerable through a process of letting go. Though it might feel like the safest thing to do, grudge holding can keep the relationship in an environment where growth is not possible. If we are committed to the growth of the relationship, it is important for us to find ways to release that energy and cultivate space for kindness, taking responsibility, and respect.

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As we become aware of our self-sabotage patterns, we can start to disrupt these cycles by replacing them with healthier alternatives. We begin this work through reflection about our feelings and histories. Your trauma is not your fault. Period. Take your healing at a comfortable pace, because the most important and enduring relationship for any of us will be the relationship we have with ourselves. We can start to heal that relationship by extending grace and compassion inward as we move toward the life and love we deserve to give and receive.

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Bridget Boylan is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s New York Tri-State Region.

The post Ways We Self-Sabotage In A New Relationship After an Unhealthy One appeared first on One Love Foundation.

This year, I’ve decided to clean out more than my overstuffed drawers and dusty warm weather wardrobe – I’m going to take a fresh look at my relationships. Whether romantic or a friendship, brand new or long standing, any relationship can benefit from a fresh look because we all do unhealthy things and, if they’re anything like my desk junk drawer, it can get out of control overnight.

Step 1: Open up the door that’s been closed for too long.

Like that closet we don’t open for fear we’ll get buried under an avalanche of thrifted cardigans and SAT practice exams, the relationships we are most hesitant to take a deeper look at are the ones that need it the most. Situations, words and actions in our relationships that make us feel inadequate or anxious are better off brought into the light by having a conversation with our partner or friend. There is no doubt that it can be extremely uncomfortable to talk about these feelings, but I promise you – you will feel much better leaving unhealthy relationship patterns in last season.

Step 2: Polish Your Knowledge

It’s important to ask yourself questions about how you FEEL in a relationship. Using the 10 signs of an Unhealthy Relationship to form these questions is a great place to start:

• • Isolation: Do they make the effort to spend time with my friends or family? Do they talk me out of meeting up with old friends or get upset when I do? How do I feel about that?
  • Intensity: How do I feel when I check my phone and I see 3 missed calls from them? Does a barrage of texts from them excite me or make me feel anxious to read them?
  • Manipulation: Do they ask me to do things like share my passwords or my location as a test to prove I don’t have anything to hide? How does that sit with me?

If you asked yourself any of the above questions and got an uneasy feeling – both what you thought in your head and how you felt in your body – it may be time to think about cutting ties with that individual safely because these unhealthy behaviors in a relationship can be a precursor to more abusive behaviors.

Step 3: Toss what doesn’t bring you Joy (trademark to Marie Kondo…?)

Our society can easily socialize us NOT to trust our gut – but if you do not like the way your relationship makes you feel, don’t talk yourself out of it. Trust that your gut is telling you what is best for you. Confide in a friend or an adult you trust and create a safety plan – a plan specific to your relationship that helps you avoid potentially dangerous situations that can arise during a breakup. Most importantly, know that you are not alone and feeling angst about any of the situations above (or any of the other Unhealthy Signs) is not the way your relationships have to stay.

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Spring Cleaning is something that can easily be put off – it feels too daunting of a task, you wouldn’t even know where to start, you’ve been fine for this long so why change, or what if you just make a bigger mess out of things – but the possibly arduous task of cleaning out your relationships, or that closet, will undoubtedly create space in your life for happier days and relationships that lift you up, not bring you down.

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Chelsea Leonard is One Love’s Director of Development for the California Region.  Her “why One Love” – Relationship education is the information everyone needs but few have – it’s a no-brainer for me to be involved in expanding these resources to as many people as possible. 

Chelsea’s favorite Healthy Sign is “Healthy Conflict.”

The post 3 Steps to Spring Clean Your Relationships appeared first on One Love Foundation.

While butterflies may take flight during all stages of a relationship, we most often associate them with the beginning. It’s fun to feel excited about a new romantic prospect, but because of the way relationships unfold in modern times — via text, DM, Snapchat, and other indirect communication methods — and because many people are preoccupied with keeping their options open, sometimes that harmless, delighted feeling can metamorphize into something else: anxiety.

A quick Google search will give you the definition of anxiety: “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know – the talking or dating stage can be a super uncertain time. BUT uncertainty can deepen if someone is exhibiting unhealthy behaviors early on. The way the other person acts in this situationship has a lot of influence on whether you experience butterflies or anxiety.

So get curious about how the other person is showing up. How do their actions make you feel? Optimistic or pessimistic? Confident or insecure? Confused? Be brave and ask for clarity where you need it — their response can tell you a lot.

Look out for people who seem to be intentionally withholding their feelings, affection, or time right off the bat, as this can establish an unequal power dynamic. This person won’t meet you in the middle – they’ll wait for you to text first, be difficult to schedule with, and be evasive when it comes to talking about what they’re looking for or how they think things are going. It might feel like a roller coaster ride, or like you have to tread lightly for fear they’ll move on. This hot and cold, power-grab behavior is textbook volatility and it will give you the unpleasant, squirmy feeling of anxiety.

For a healthier option, try looking for signs of equality. Notice if you are both putting in the same effort and are similarly invested in the relationship. Feeling a sense of security may seem impossible as you’re just getting to know someone, but it’s not! You can (and should) communicate at all stages of a relationship, even early days. That doesn’t mean sharing everything upfront, but being open and honest when you feel things in the moment. You don’t have to know exactly what someone is feeling and thinking in each moment to trust their character and intentions — or to feel the flutter of wings when you think of them.

Still unsure? Try to identify yourself in these scenarios:

They text you and ask if you can hang out, but you already have plans.

If you’re feeling butterflies, you’ll feel happy (maybe even giddy) that they asked. You’ll text back to figure out a time that works for both of you.

If you’re feeling anxiety, you will drop everything and rearrange all your plans to make the hangout possible because you’re worried they’ll lose interest.

You want to define the relationship.

If you’re feeling butterflies, you may be a little nervous to ask for what you want, but you trust they’ll be honest with you (and tbh, you have a hunch they feel the same).

If you’re feeling anxiety, you’ll be worried about how they’ll react because you have no idea where their head’s at.

The beginning of a relationship comes with lots of emotions and it’s easy to confuse anxiety for butterflies when they’re in the mix. It’s important to learn to discern between the two, otherwise you could be ignoring signs a situation isn’t quite right. Don’t be afraid to let go of a relationship that is causing you more distress than joy and remember that you deserve someone who is just as excited about you as you are about them.

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Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out.

Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post Anxiety or Butterflies? How to tell what you’re feeling when you first start talking to someone appeared first on One Love Foundation.

February also marks Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, a time when we are reminded that unhealthy relationships and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age.  

With this month-long emphasis on relationships, you may be wondering what are the ways to tell if your relationship is healthy? Whether your relationship is long-term or just beginning, here are a few ways to determine if you’re in the healthy relationship you deserve. 

Your gut gives you the green light 

Our gut instinct is one of the most amazing things we’re given, but we’re often encouraged to ignore it. When you think of the person you’re wondering about, what is your gut telling you? Does it tense up? Drop? Feel all warm and fuzzy? While a healthy relationship does not mean a perfect relationship, the healthy behaviors should outweigh the unhealthy ones. Meaning: You should feel GOOD most of the time you’re with this person or when you think about them.  

You can be yourself around them  

One tried and true test to tell if your relationship is healthy is feeling like you can be your authentic self around someone else. Honesty can be scary, but this person creates an environment that encourages you to share every part of yourself — the good, the bad, the embarrassing, and the goofy. You can rely on them not to tell anyone your secrets or talk behind your back. They celebrate who you are and are proud to be with you.   

You can express boundaries  

You feel emotionally and physically safe around this person, knowing they won’t put you in a position that makes you uncomfortable. Conversations about boundaries are welcome and you know they’ll do their best to respect the ones you’ve set. You’re not afraid to disagree or give feedback they may not like because you know you two can handle conflict in a healthy way.  

RELATED: Your Questions About Consent Answered

You can grow in the relationship  

Just because you become an “us” doesn’t mean you stop being a “you.” A partner or friend should encourage you to be your own person, not see it as a threat to your relationship. They’ll support you in pursuing new interests and goals, loving yourself, and nurturing your relationships with others. Independence is a sign of a healthy relationship for a reason — it shows that they value who you are as your own person and want the best for you.  

You enjoy spending time together 

This may seem simple, but relationships should be fun! Whether you share every hobby or none, you and your partner or friend spend meaningful time together. You can talk for hours and never get bored. You have inside jokes that make you cry from laughter. You can do nothing together and still have a good time. Whatever your thing is, you love being in this person’s company no matter what.  

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I said it earlier, and I’ll say it again: a healthy relationship does not mean a perfect relationship. If you’re not feeling 5 out of 5 right now, take some time to reflect on why. It may be worth starting a conversation with your friend or partner — or even yourself — about what you need. Remember to hear them out, too! Relationships are all about equality.

If reading through this list has made you realize you’re not in the relationship you deserve, we’ve got you! One Love has tons of resources on navigating endings and staying safe in the process.

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Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out.

Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post 5 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Healthy appeared first on One Love Foundation.